She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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