btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
