Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
