I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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