you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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