My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Shame - the story of my life.
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