Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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