Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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