i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
