She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
