Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
