my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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