Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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