Heybabeimwearingurpanties
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
