I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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