Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
