dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
