Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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