She is in my trunk
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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