So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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