At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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