seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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