..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize