she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
