yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
