You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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