Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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