Your dad touched me again.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
