She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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