I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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