glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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