I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
