I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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