just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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