i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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