i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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