I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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