oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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