I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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