It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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