Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
