i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
