if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
