I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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