Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
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