Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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