My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
