i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
