I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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