She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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