Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
