i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
He felt like a one man threesome
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
