I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
