she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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