I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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