Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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