I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
