I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
