My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
