if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Semen is not good for contacts.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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