My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
