Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
