Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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